Santa Claus wanted

Original Post:
Santa Claus wanted for holiday party. Please call (***) ***-**** or respond to this post. Thank you

Me to Party Planner:
Hello, I am a professional Santa Claus. I have over 20 years experience playing the part for malls and other venues. Thank you for your consideration.
-Darrin

Party Planner to Me:
Thank you for replying to our post. I need a Santa for tomorrow evening. The client is flexible regarding the start but would prefer later in he evening and attend for 1 hour + 30 minutes. Do you have ANY availability? I really need to fill this as I do not want to disappoint any children. Your help would be greatly appreciated.

Me to Party Planner:
Yes I have open availability for tomorrow and I could definitely do the job. I am required to tell you I had a felony conviction 2 years ago, but it was nothing sexual or violent, and did not involve children. I have current references and photos to show you, I make a great Santa. Please let me know, I can provide you with more info if needed. Thanks.

Party Planner to Me:

Please forward a photo asap. Thank you.

 

Me to Party Planner:

Thank you for giving me a chance. It's been difficult to find work because of my felony drug dealing charges. Don't worry, it wasn't the hard stuff, it was only meth. But all that's behind me now. Unless you really need a hook up, then I know a guy. Just kidding! All my former connections are dead or in jail so no worries there. Yep I just use completely legal bath salts now. But I haven't had any since 11am so I should be good to see the kids. But just in case I would be covered under your insurance right? I've had a few incidents and I want to make sure I have my bases covered. Well, I think that is about it on my end, just need the address and cash upfront. Thanks
-Darrin

"Personal" Assistant

Original Post:
Attractive white couple, 30's looking for an open minded personal assistant. Duties will include running errands, cleaning, laundry, maybe some light cooking and greet us with cocktails when we get home and we can all unwind together. Flexible hours 20 per week. Reply with pic and availabiliy

Me to Legit Employer:
Hello, I am looking for work as a personal assistant. I am 29 years old and  have experience with the tasks mentioned. I have open availability. Let me know. : )
-Diane

Legit Employer to Me:

Diane, 

I hope you noticed the " " around personal assistant and understand what that means.  If you do, send along a picture of yourself and let us know your limitations, schedule availability and pay requirements.

Me to Legit Employer:
I'm sorry but I don't understand what you mean. I am a great personal assistant and I will do whatever duties are asked of me. I don't really have any limitations that I can think of. Although I once had to clean out the garbage disposal for a family that was putting chicken wing bones down the sink, and that was pretty gross. I would not want to do that again. Anyway, I am interested in setting up an interview. I have open availability 24/7. Thanks.
-Diane

Legit Employer to Me:

It's ok that you don't understand what i meant by that, so I think this position may not be right for you.  We are suggesting some "fun" for the 3 of us at the end of all of our work days.

Me to Legit Employer:
Please give me a chance. I can be really fun I promise. I attended a 3 week seminar on juggling and I can juggle up to 4 tennis balls at once. I am really good at Monopoly and I never quit even when you have hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place. Plus no one can beat me at Wii Sports. I hope this better explains why I am qualified. I look forward to working with you!
-Diane

Legit Employer to Me:

Diane, 

We are looking for adult types of fun, send over a few pictures of yourself.

Me to Legit Employer:
Oh ok! I think I finally get what you mean. I am used to working with families that have kids, haha. You want adult entertainment. Well I have never played beer pong but I will definitely give it a try! We could all join a book club or something. Maybe the Opera? I have plenty more ideas too. I sent my pic in the last email, didn't you get it? (I did not send a pic) Thanks
-Diane

Legit Employer to Me:

No I looked back and there is no picture attached, so please send a few of yourself.  Those ideas are great, we could do those things with no clothes on, that would be a lot of fun don't you think?

Me to Legit Employer:

I don't think we can go to the Opera with no clothes on, but I can call and check. I haven't been in a while but last time I went it was a black tie event. I emailed my grandma to see if the book club she belongs to allows nudity and I am still waiting back for a reply. They all read Fifty Shades of Grey recently so maybe they are more open to it? I don't get the pic thing, I attached it twice and it says its there? (still did not send anything) I'm blonde, 5'7, size 2, C cup.
-Diane

Legit Employer to Me:

Yeah still no pic, paste it into the body of the email if need be.  What kind of sex do you like?

Me to Legit Employer:

I think I figured out what the problem was. My pic is attached now. I have never had sex. But I want my first time to be on the beach with dolphins splashing in the sunset and ABBA playing on my ipod. Let's set up the interview for tomorrow?
-Diane 

 

Red Honda

Original Post:
Would the person who owned this red 1991 Honda Civic please contact me. I have purchased the car at auction to fix up. Would like the previous owner to contact me have questions on what oil were using etc and service records.
thank





Me to Honda Guy:
Hey I'm pretty sure that was my old honda. What did you want to know about it?
-David

Honda Guy to Me:
Well, I have owned a few of these, and this one looked nice so bought it to fix up.

wanted to know when the t-belt was changed last, i inspected it, and is not the oem Honda belt so I at least know it has been replaced, not sure how long ago.

Also, what brand of oil were you using in it.

what hit it?

got any spare keys or parts, only came with one key.

How about service records, would pay for shipping and whatever it takes

etc.

thanks

 

Me to Honda Guy:

Well I replaced the t-belt about 2 months before the accident. I used an old belt of off a Segway. It belong to my Grandmother but she passed and I figured people would call me gay if I rode the Segway so I used it for spare parts.
I was using vegatable oil in it in an effort to be more green. It never needed to be changed. I think it was Kroger brand vegatable oil.
The back got smashed up because my ex-girlfriend rammed me at a stop sign. She caught me having sex with her sister Melissa, and she was pretty pissed. After the accident she tried to slap me, but I put her down with a Louisville Slugger that I had in the back seat from soft ball practice.
I don't have spare keys but I have that baseball bat still if you are interested. It's in pretty good shape and it's proven a worthy companion in a sticky situation. Let me know.

Animal Family Telepathy

Original Post:
My name is Melissa and I am a interspecies telepathic animal communicator.
Telepathy is a three way conversation between myself, you and your animal friend. The only information I need to get a connection with your pet is a picture and their name so that I know who I am speaking with. Telepathy can bennefit in many situations like being able to communicate with animals who have passed on. but please keep in mind that Telepathy is not a cure all or Quick Fix for training it's self you still must apply proper training with your pet.
Also in some situations when a pet has become lost, or left home for any reason through telepathy they can show me images of land marks they see around them or things they may have passed by that you may recognise to be able to find them or guide them home again. But please keep in mind that I am not a GPS so I do not receive address's or street names..

Me to Pet Psychic:
M-----,
I am interested in possibly contracting your services for animal telepathy for my dog Jerry. I have a few questions, and also I would like to know your rates. Thanks.
-Dave

Pet Psychic to Me:

Good Evening Dave,

My rate is $30.00 for a 20 min. session. I ask for you to send a picture and name of your animal family member/s also any questions, concerns etc. that you may have for them to this email before our session day.  I am requesting that I may schedule sessions to be sent through email during the winter months, because I don't have an office to stay warm. If you request a phone session that is ok too I will accommodate your whish for your session to be over the phone.. Thank you so much and I look forward to hearing back from you soon..

Me to Pet Psychic:

That seems like a very reasonable rate. I would be interested if you think you can take on the case. So I have been working a lot lately and I have been leaving the TV on during the day for Jerry to watch. Well he has been watching a lot of daytime christian programming and I think it has been really affecting his attitude. I don't know how to put this... Jerry told me he hates fags. And it's really embarrassing because I didn't raise him to be a bigot. Now he says he doesn't want dog food anymore, he only want to eat at chick-fil-a. Can you help?
-Dave

Pet Psychic to Me:

Please don't take this the wrong way ok. But I feel that you are just messing with me about your dog. I would like to ask if he is telling you information why would you contact me? Thank you so much..

Me to Pet Psychic:

I am very serious about my email. I am contacting you because I have no where else to turn. I was hoping you could talk to Jerry and find out why he hates gay people now. I thought we could have an intervention for him. He wants to join the westboro baptist church and protest gay rights. I don't know where I went wrong as a parent. I don't discriminate against anyone and it breaks my heart when he says he wants to borrow my truck for a "fag drag". I love my dog and I don't know what to do.
-Dave

Cutie at Starbucks

Original Ad:
Saw you at Starbucks today around 4:00pm. I only sat down for a brief moment to respond to a few emails on my phone. You were wearing a baseball cap, headphones, and were closing down whatever you were working on with your laptop. We caught eyes for a moment and I smiled at you. You got up and walked towards me to throw away your cup behind me. I thought you were headed out the door soon so I proceeded towards the exit. I waited for you for a few minutes and then got into my car and drove away. Perhaps you were just using the restroom...who knows...that's why I am here. If this is you...respond back using a description of me in the title of the email. Or send a picture of yourself so I can verify it's really you. Here's to hoping! :)

Me to Starbucks Girl:
Hey there, I was in Starbucks around 4pm in aspen grove yesterday. I had my laptop with me and my hat on. Could you be talking about me? : )
-Darrin

Starbucks Girl to Me:
Hi Darrin,
It could be you...would you mind telling me what I was wearing/what I look like or sending me a picture of yourself? I've never posted anything on CL before and I've received about 6 responses. Ha ha ha... just trying to be safe. Thanks!

Me to Starbucks Girl:
Wow six responses is a lot. Well impostors be gone because I am the one you're looking for. You were stunningly beautiful. I was so aroused that I blogged about you and wrote about you in my live journal. I also wrote about you in my leather bound paper journal. Because you can never keep too many journals, am I right? : )
Sorry I missed you in the parking lot; you were right I went to the Restroom. I had very unpleasant and violent diarrhea after drinking that pumpkin latte. But it was worth it am I right? Anyway I am free later tonight if you want to get together? Maybe coffee date? Talk to you soon.
P.S. Here is a picture of me at Starbucks. I am sure you will recognize me.
-Darrin

Wanting to move but we need a little help...

Original Post:
My name is T--- and I am 21 years old. I and my boyfriend are really considering moving to Denver and we may just need your help with a few things.

First off, we are both trying to get away from the people and surroundings here in Oklahoma as fast as possible.. not only that but we need finances in order to get there..
Secondly, a place to stay is the most important. We could pay monthly rent or work out some sort of deal.
Last but not least, please be real. This is a serious real post.

Please email me for any questions you may have.

Me to OK Girl:
Hello, I saw your ad and I think I can help. I have a large house in Denver that is mainly empty during the year as I travel a lot. How much do you think you will need to move? It might be worth it to have people watch my house while I am out of town.
 -Darrin

OK girl to Me:
In gas, around 125-150. And we would be on the way. That offer sounds great to us! :) When is the soonest you wanted to do this? We are looking to move asap. I, myself, has been to Aurora, CO and I fell in love with it.. The people, the landscape, and the good vibes.

Me to OK Girl:
Hmm $150 seems on the low side. I usually fly when I travel but with the price of gas wouldn't you need like $300? I suppose I could make arrangements for this week. How long would you be staying with me? Are you guys ok with doing chores and stuff? I can give you $450 for gas and hotel and food to get here. But I need some stuff done around the house.
-Darrin

OK Girl to Me:
That's absolutely fine. We will stay however long you want us to... (: And chores would be fine with us.

Me to OK Girl:
Alright that sounds good. I am not home during the week, only on weekends. As far as chores go I will need the yard raked, the dishes done, my white shirts washed and pressed, and your boyfriend to rub my feet Saturday nights when I get home. So how do you want me to send the money? Paypal? Mail you a check? Do you want to see some pictures of the house? I want to see a picture of your boyfriend, so I know who will be coming.
-Darrin

OK Girl to Me:
(She actually sent a picture of her and her boyfriend)



Awesome! :) Yes, chores would work perfectly. Today is that's okay. Or when would be best for you? You can send it via MoneyGram or Western Union.. Very easy for me. And you can also go to moneygram.com.. Very easy.



Me to OK Girl:
Today is fine. Now that I think about it though I need a few more chores done as well. Every Monday I need my hamsters bathed in a warm milk bath. My cats all need to be shaved bald every Thursday because I am allergic to cats but refuse to get a hypoallergenic one. I had a parakeet, but it died. It will need a proper burial as soon as you get here because I just haven't had the time.
Also, I don't want to alarm you but I think the basement is haunted. Do you guys know anything about performing a seance? I think it is either the ghost of my Uncle Murray or the Demon Malacai. I can't tell. Anyway the rest of the house is nice. It's 5 bedroom. I have one room and an office. So you two will have your choice of the other three rooms.
What information do I need to send the money western union? I have never done it.
-Darrin

OK Girl to Me:
Yes the chores would be a very good option. (: Yes. T--- E------. 405-------. Oklahoma City, OK. Is where to send it.

Me to OK Girl:
Alright sounds good. I'm glad to have some young kids around the house to help with chores. My back just hasn't been the same since the Bass Fishing incident of 2007. Maybe your boyfriend can rub my back sometimes? He looks strong. I would feel safe in his arms. Would it be ok if I buy him some outfits to wear when I am home on the weekends? I will send the money tonight after work. When will you guys be here?
-Darrin

OK Girl to Me:
Its our pleasure. What time would you be sending it tonight? If it's not too late, we could head out this evening. Could you send me a few pictures of the house?

Me to OK Girl:
Well I get off at 5pm. I will stop by the 7-eleven by my hotel to do the western union. I am getting very excited about this. I am already shopping for outfits. Do you think he will like this one?

Here is a recent picture of the house. As you can see the yard needs mowed but other than that it's perfect.

Also the car in the driveway is not to be touched. It's the car I lost my virginity in and I am saving it as a memento. I don't want the beautiful smells inside to be tainted.
Anyway I am super excited to meet you!
-Darrin

Obama Rally

Original Post:
Me. . . cold.

You with the kind smile. . . hugged me and loaned me your gloves.

I should have asked your name and more about you but my teeth were chattering. I know, lame excuse. Would like to get to know you in a warmer setting!

Thanks again!

Me to Obama Fan:

Hey! I gave a girl my gloves during the Obama Rally. Was that really you? How funny!

-Dave

Obama Fan to Me:

No way! I doubted to see a reply. What do you look like? Who did you loan your gloves to? Was it me?

Nice to meet you via missed connections, Dave... I guess that is also via Barack Obama! So thankful he won :)

A----

Me to Obama Fan:
A----,

I know, go Obama! I loaned my gloves to a cute girl. (who I am hoping is you) And I was really excited to see your ad because since I was able to do you a favor, I was hoping you could help me with something.
I need a place to stay for three days while my apartment is fumigated for cockroaches. My roommate chris is a slob and always leaves his dirty underwear everywhere! It brought bugs! Gross! So yeah, if I could stay with you that would be cool. Also, if you could spot me some money for food that would be great since they cut my hours down at Diamond Shamrock.
I've included a picture of me, which I am sure you will recognize my outfit. Talk to you soon!

-Dave